


Bare your soul to me

by assassi



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Dreams, M/M, Mating Rituals, Rituals, Soul Bond, Soulmates, Team as Family, Weddings, adoptive parents Bobby Nash and Athena Grant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-30
Updated: 2020-12-30
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:48:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28438650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/assassi/pseuds/assassi
Summary: Once upon a time when people married they used to do this soul-bond ritual where they drank a special concoction that would allow them to see their intended’s past, their very soul in each other’s dreams. It was a ritual that showed the other person what their chosen has been through, the most important memories in their life so far, in a way to show them what they are getting into, to be sure that they want it.But…Of course, not everyone liked what they saw.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Others mentioned
Comments: 6
Kudos: 104





	Bare your soul to me

**Author's Note:**

> I've been working on this for a while and struck with a sudden muse I finished it and wanted to post it before New Year so tell me if you see mistakes or anything sounds off. Also tell me if you like it of course :) The beginning is basically how I want season 4 to start :D
> 
> Uh. Disclaimer? I don't own 9-1-1. Obviously.
> 
> See note for POSSIBLE TRIGGERS at the end.

The pale morning light crept into the silent bedroom like a bluish-grey sigh, like a gentle nudge and a soft reminder that the sun was about to rise. But it hadn’t, not quite yet. And in those precious moments of half-night/half-morning the final moments of dreams and wishes lived in the still and quiet ‘almost’. Almost day. Almost time to wake up.

It was a time when miracles liked to happen sometimes.

It was 6 o’clock in the morning and the world was at peace.

The blaring alarm shattered all that with the inevitability of another work day. Buck groaned, his hand already reaching for his phone when another groan right behind him foretold the swift theft of Buck’s part of the covers, the other person disappearing completely underneath the layers.

Buck smiled sleepily and went to start the coffee.

He was just finishing with the pancakes when a hand crawled around his hip and sprawled right under his bellybutton. There was a gentle nuzzle just under his ear. Another body was plastered to Buck’s naked back, the unmistakable hardness nudging his boxer-clad buttocks making him grin.

“We don’t have time for this”, he groaned.

“We’ll make some”, the other said, voice raspy and making Buck twitch. The lips under his ear stretched into a smile. “See, I knew you’d agree.”

Buck bit his bottom lip, his moan still escaping as he turned around, his own blue eyes meeting twin deep chocolate pools of heat.

“A quickie is never enough with you”, Buck whined, even as he was pawing at the other’s underwear.

“I’ll make it worth it, baby”, chapped lips traveled down Buck’s chest and abs.

“But I just made breakfast…”, he tried, biting his lip again to cover his grin.

Eddie looked up, the glare breaking though the heat and fixing on the romance novel on the counter.

“I’m not saying it”, he declared.

Buck looked back, eyes wide and begging even as he was still fighting back laugher. Eddie sighed, his ears turning a little pink as he recited what Buck was obviously waiting for,

“I’m gonna eat _you_ instead.”

“Ay, querido”, Buck swooned dramatically only to be swept up, thrown on Eddie’s muscular shoulder and thrown on the couch in a heap of hysterical laugher before Eddie followed him down.

* * *

They were on their way to work when Buck brought it up.

“So did you think about it?”

The careful way Buck asked that with barely concealed hope and impatience put Eddie on edge. He had to consider his own answer too, be sure he phrased it correctly.

“I did.”

Buck waited some more, his eyes still on the road as he drove, and when no more words came his face fell a little but he nodded bravely.

“Okay. I understand.”

“Buck…”

“No, it’s okay, really. You don’t have to do it, Eddie, I just wanted to know that you’d given it a thought…”

“Buck…”

“I know it’s kinda outdated and sort of a huge invasion of any privacy…”

“Would you let me finish?”

The blonde snapped his mouth shut with a click. Eddie sighed.

“It’s just…. A lot. You’ll see me in ways I really don’t want to talk about.”

“I know about the fights, Eddie”, Buck reminded carefully.

“Yes but knowing it and seeing it are two different things”, Eddie gritted, still somewhat ashamed of that phase. “You’ll see me in Afghanistan. It’s not pretty.”

“I can take it”, Buck insisted. Then, realizing how that had sounded, he added, “Look, Eddie, I won’t push. If you don’t want to, it’s okay. If you want to do it one-sided and only see me I’m okay with that too. I don’t want to have any secrets from you.”

“It’s not…”, Eddie bristled.

“Not what I meant either”, Buck added quickly. “You are not obliged to show me everything, even if I offer that chance to you.”

A few minutes passed in silence. Surprisingly enough it wasn’t uncomfortable. It didn’t feel like a fight. It was just quiet so Eddie could gather his thoughts.

“But it is important for you. Right?”, he finally asked.

Buck hummed in agreement. “But I’m not the only one in this relationship. If you don’t want to, you don’t want to.”

It was such a Buck thing to say. And he meant it too. There was no accusation, no hidden guilt-traps, no pout or actual silent treatment. They’d had a discussion and they made their points and there was that.

“I’m gonna hit the gym for a bit, ‘kay?”, Buck said, his hand squeezing Eddie’s upper arm gently as if to pull him from his daze. He nodded, still off-kilter, and watched as Buck went to change. He hadn’t even realized they’d arrived at the station, gotten out of the car and walked inside the building. By the time he entered the locker room Buck was gone. By the time he went upstairs for coffee he still hadn’t completely figured out what to do about Buck’s suggestion.

“Earth to Eddie”, Hen teased. “Where are you, buddy?”

“Just… thinking”, he muttered.

“Problems in paradise?”, Chim asked. Eddie shot him a look but he wasn’t gloating; he looked really concerned.

“What makes you think that?”, Eddie still asked defensively.

“Buck’s not following you and you two are never apart”, Bobby answered. “Is it the wedding?”

When Eddie’s first marriage failed he’d never thought he’d propose again one day. A golden band on your finger and some papers didn’t equal commitment. But…

He knew how much that meant for Buck. And after a few too many close calls he found himself lighting some candles and dropping on one knee offering not just a ring but his heart. Carpe diem and all that.

The look on Buck’s face, that wide smile that lit up his whole face, the way his eyes glinted like all the stars in the sky was completely worth it.

“Buck wants to do the soul-bond ritual”, Eddie said.

He looked up, judging their reactions. Which could be easily summed up as surprise.

“Huh. I didn’t know Buckaroo was so… old-fashioned?”, Hen said.

“Yeah, no one does that anymore”, Chim piped up.

Bobby, ever the most observant amongst them, addressed the real issue.

“ _Buck_ wants to?”

“I don’t know if I’m ready for that”, Eddie shrugged. “Being with him for the rest of my life, sure. Loving and supporting him, yes. Knowing everything we’ve told each other about our past, yes. Actually seeing it?”, he shook his head. “I don’t know.”

“You don’t know if you want to see Buck’s past or him seeing yours?”, Hen asked softly.

Eddie thought about it. He was a private person, always had been, and even though he’d confided many of his secrets to Buck there must still be things he didn’t want to talk about or even remember, buried deep inside him. That was just the thing with the soul-bond ritual, you dove too deep into your supposed soulmate’s memories, their heart and soul, their very essence. Was he ready to divulge all that? Did he want to see Buck’s every dirty little secret, every milestone, everything that made him the man he was today?

The answer to that last question was… yes. So why would he deprive Buck of the same opportunity? Didn’t seem fair in a committed relationship.

“I’ll…”, he began, stumbling on his own words as he stood up.

“Go”, Hen just smiled.

It seemed somehow fitting that Buck was lifting weights when Eddie walked in, as if the blonde wanted to lift up all the weight from his own shoulders. Eddie took a deep breath and went to sit on the gym bench next to Buck.

“Why do you want to do it?”, he asked directly.

Buck sighed, sitting up straighter. “I just… I need to know there will be no deal breakers. All cards on the table. No returns.”

It always frustrated him when Buck said something condescending like that.

“Buck, I know you. Nothing I see in your past will make me change my mind about wanting to be with you”, Eddie said.

Buck was nothing if not stubborn.

“You don’t know that. And you said it yourself: knowing and seeing are two different things.”

“But you still want to do it”, Eddie marveled. “Because you’re a romantic who believes in baring your naked soul to your partner? Or because you want to be sure that I won’t change my mind no matter what I see?”

“Both”, Buck admitted. “I could take it now, if you broke things up between us. It would hurt but I’ll heal. But if we marry and you leave me because something from my past comes up to disgust you…”

“Buck, what are you even…”

“ _That_ I won’t be able to heal from.”

Eddie sighed. “I’ll do it.”

Buck huffed and stood up. “I don’t want you to feel pressured into that, Eddie. You asked me why I wanted it and I told you. That’s not a conspiracy to guilt-force you into it.”

“I know it’s not. I know _you_. Buck, I want to do it _because_ you explained what it means to you. Because you feeling reassured is important to me.”

He stepped closer and gathered the blonde in his arms, uncaring for the thin layer of sweat covering the muscular body. It always amazed him how someone as big and strong as Buck could be so insecure. But now, in that particular moment, Eddie realized that that would be something he’ll work on especially hard from now on: reassuring this man and making him feel safe and wanted for all that he was.

“Tonight”, Eddie suggested.

Buck tensed in his arms, surprised. “A-are you…”

“I’m sure”, Eddie nodded, placing a gentle kiss on Buck’s temple.

* * *

Once upon a time when people married they used to do this soul-bond ritual where they drank a special concoction that would allow them to see their intended’s past, their very soul in each other’s dreams. It was a ritual that showed the other person what their chosen has been through, the most important memories in their life so far, in a way to show them what they are getting into, to be sure that they want it. It was done the night before the wedding when the couple slept separated so they could concentrate on said dream. It was supposed to reveal a person on a whole new level to their future husband or wife, to bind their souls in an unbreakable way.

But…

Of course, not everyone liked what they saw. And when not just a few weddings were called-off in the last moment after that ritual, people gradually just stopped doing it, choosing to keep a few of their secrets and carry on in a union where not _everything_ was shared. Weddings were still performed. Soul-bond rituals, not so much.

Eddie stared at the small vial in his hands, wondering just what he’d see in his dreams tonight and how deep into Buck’s soul he would dive. He wondered if he was truly prepared for that, no matter how sure he felt theoretically. He wondered again what Buck would see, if he would be the one appalled and calling the wedding off.

No, that was not a way to think right now.

His phone startled him, the ringtone already telling him who it was. He smiled as he picked it up and answered.

“Having second thoughts?”, he half-teased.

 _“No”,_ Buck said. _“You?”_

“No. Are you calling to check?”

_“Just… to hear your voice. In case… if you don’t want to hear mine in the morning.”_

“Buck. We talked.”

_“I know… I know…”_

“If you’ve changed your mind…”

_“No! It’s not that… I just… You’ll see me in my own phase, Eddie. You… you’ll see me sleeping around and, and I’m supposed to be Chris’ legal guardian from now on and if you don’t want that anymore…”_

“Hey, hey…”

_“I just wanted to say that I’m not that person anymore.”_

“Oh, Buck”, Eddie heart broke a little at the desperate way Buck wanted to make that clear, at how much he obviously feared he might lose both Eddie and Chris. “I know that, mi amor.”

_“Okay. Okay. I just. Yeah.”_

“Buck. Go to sleep. I’ll see you in the morning.”

_“Yeah. Good night.”_

“Night.”

Eddie dropped the phone and took a deep breath. It was good to know that he wasn’t the only one nervous about it but it was best for both of them that they just get this all over with.

He picked up the vial again and downed its contents before turning off the light.

* * *

_The living room was spacious and somehow too tidy, as if it was taken from a magazine or a post card. It was half-dark and the only source of light was the TV. The walls were beige or creamy, their light color still somehow cold instead of looking warm and inviting._

_The young blonde boy standing next to the couch looked small and hesitant and Eddie realized with a pang that Buck was barely around five. He was clutching a book and looking up to a tall blonde woman._

_“Mommy, would you read to me?”_

_“Mom’s busy, Evan. Go play in your room”, the woman said distractedly, eyes glued to the TV._

_Buck’s tiny shoulders sagged, but he obediently turned around and walked down the hall. But instead of going to his room, he hesitated in front of another door before he quietly slipped inside._

_“Maddie?”_

_The girl, bent over textbooks on her desk turned around to look at him with a smile._

_“Hey, Bug.”_

_“Would you read to me?”, he asked again, voice even smaller than before._

_She sighed, glancing at her books again. She probably **was** really busy; yet she stood up and went over to ruffle Buck’s hair._

_“Of course, baby bro.”_

_The memory blurred into another where Buck stood amongst many other kids on a scene. He wore a lion costume and stood on his toes, trying to spot his parents in the crowd. Only Maddie was there though, helplessly shrugging but braving on a smile for her brother and taking dozens of photos…_

_“…be making a card for Mother’s day! I’m sure your mommies will all be thrilled to…”_

_Buck looked down at the desk covered with colorful paper and glue and sighed, tuning out his teacher._

_Buck was around ten, now part of a noisy crowd of boys, laughing and nudging each other._

_“…a sleep over, it will be great!”, one of the boys was saying._

_“Are you sure your parents are okay with it?”, another one asked._

_“Yeah, dude, totally! They just want you guys to get your own parents to agree. They said they can call anytime…”_

_“Mine are okay! I’ve stayed at your house before, my mom knows yours and all…”_

_“Mine might actually call though”, another boy said with an eye-roll. “She’s so annoyingly protective…”_

_“Buck?”_

_He looked up, startled, before he looked back down. “Yeah, mine’re gonna be fine with it. They won’t call.”_

_A few years later and Buck was a teenager now, glaring at his sister’s new boyfriend from where he was leaning against the kitchen counter while Maddie arranged more biscuits on the tray. Doug and their parents were chatting in the living room._

_“I don’t like him, Maddie”, Buck said._

_“Oh, just give him a chance, baby bro”, she beamed back._

_The way Buck looked at her showed that he had a feeling he would miss that smile in the following years._

_Buck was in a car, kissing some girl with a dopey smile. She pulled back some and grinned._

_“My parents want to meet you soon”, she said._

_“Okay”, he smiled._

_It looked like she waited for something more, maybe the same offer. It didn’t come._

_It was probably just a few years later. Buck was still a teen, clutching a teddy bear and looking excited for the first time in a really long time. He walked down the hall to his room, bypassing his parents’ bedroom just in time to hear his mother say,_

_“I got rid of it.”_

_The plushie fell from Buck’s numb fingers._

_The next thing Eddie saw was Buck hastily throwing random clothes in his duffle bag and leaving his childhood home in the middle of the night._

_It was soon after that, maybe just a few months, and Buck was swiping up a bar counter when he felt eyes on him. He looked up, meeting heated green eyes. She smiled at him. He smiled back._

_“…but my sister is a nurse and I’ve always wanted to do something like that”, he was saying._

_The girl with the green eyes, naked and curled around him hummed._

_“Being a doctor?”, she asked._

_“Not exactly”, Buck shook his head. “Just… doing something meaningful. Being someone who mattered.”_

_She didn’t seem to catch the deeper meaning behind his words._

_It was another day at the bar and Buck was doing some more cleaning when a brochure caught his eye. An LAFD brochure._

_It was a blur of training and meaningless flings after that, then work and more flings. The words, still hopeful, ‘can I have your number?’ and the cruel response of ‘let’s not ruin it’. Buck slipped on his cocky façade and pretended it didn’t sting, that it was actually just what he wanted._

_What followed was bits and fragments, the team tearing down a wall and pulling out a baby, fighting for her life; Buck running down the stairs because they didn’t have time waiting for the elevator, promising the tiny baby that he’ll take care of her, she just had to hold on; him and Athena yelling at each other at the ambulance, rushing to the hospital…_

_The baby made it._

_Then Bobby, firing him. Telling him he was done with Buck’s bullshit. Buck, begging for another chance, just a last chance. Bobby didn’t budge._

_Another memory followed, Buck on top of the firetruck, stopping a burglar with a burst of pressurized water. Athena looked up and nodded._

_Buck was back on the team, on top of a Ferris Wheel, fighting to save a boy dangling from it just a foot down from where Buck was leaning down for him, reaching, begging,_

_“Just take my hand, Davon! I won’t let you fall, just reach out!”_

_“I can’t”, the boy said, letting go._

_It was obvious that losing someone for the first time hit Buck hard. He froze on a job and the look in Bobby’s eyes said it all._

_They were in the locker room later that same day, Buck sitting on the bench, shoulders hunched._

_“I know. I disappointed you again.”_

_Bobby said nothing, just sat down next to Buck waiting for the blonde to speak up._

_“I haven’t felt that way since Hell Week”, Buck muttered._

_“Didn’t know you were a SEAL”, Bobby said._

_“Wasn’t. Just went through the training but uh… they wanted machines, Bobby. People, who could absolutely, no-questions-asked turn off all and any feelings while on the job. And I couldn’t do that.”_

_“I’m glad you can’t. It makes you a better firefighter”, Bobby said, squeezing Buck’s arm. “Look, you don’t have to fight that on your own. We have people for that. People to help us cope.”_

_It was probably just after that heart-to-heart with Bobby when Buck sat on the couch in a nice sunny office, fidgeting. The woman sitting opposite from him watched him with what was obviously supposed to be an encouraging smile. Buck cleared his throat._

_“I’m not good with feelings. I have them. I just don’t talk about them.”_

_She sprouted some hollow-sounding spiel about the importance of expressing oneself. A load of bullshit, Eddie thought bitterly when it all came down to was Buck’s quiet,_

_“You were one of those who sent me a friends requests, weren’t you?”_

_His smile was too sharp, too fake. She didn’t notice._

_“Um… you better delete that”, she blushed, looking suddenly flustered._

_It didn’t stop her from fucking Buck on that very same couch, immediately declaring how unprofessional that was once it was over. Buck just smiled that bitter smile, as if he expected nothing more._

_He never spoke about feelings again._

_When Abby happened in Buck’s life, Eddie tried not to look, not to focus on that. Somehow, seeing Buck really in love with someone else, someone who wasn’t Eddie, hurt more than seeing his many adolescent meaningful flings. He tried not to notice the heart eyes Buck turned on Abby, the way he blushed and stuttered and was so nervous at that horrendous date. The many beautiful gestures after that, the flowers and the fucking balloon, all just to impress her before realizing that he just had to be there for her, to care and listen and be close. The gentle way they stumbled into her bedroom on a full moon and the way Buck’s hands traveled down her body with reverence. It hurt and it stung and it was unfair that he felt that way, somewhere in the back of his mind still aware that Buck was going to see his own time with Shannon as well and they had no right to be jealous of each other about what was clearly in the past._

_Buck had been happy with Abby, proud to be in a stable relationship and rubbing it into the team’s faces when a girl came out of nowhere, claiming to have exchanged massages with him for weeks until three days ago when he’d supposedly suddenly stopped writing back. She slapped him and called him a liar. Buck was obviously shocked but still didn’t take it seriously. Not until it happened again, this time in front of Abby._

_Eddie watched as Buck and Chimney went down to investigate Buck’s stolen identity, saw Buck defending a dead criminal’s dignity as they removed the body from the trailer. He went home immediately, excited and relieved to tell Abby it was over, it had really been a misunderstanding but it was over._

_It all came to a stop with the vision of a suitcase, packed by the door._

_“Are you… leaving?”, Buck asked._

_“I’m going to Dublin”, she nodded._

_“Dublin in… Ireland?”, he checked._

_“Yes, Buck, Dublin in Ireland”, she rolled her eyes as if she wasn’t breaking his heart. She left as if she might be coming back, not promising anything._

_Buck still hoped._

_That’s where Eddie found him when he started at the 118 th a few months later: confused but hoping, left behind but still in love, not admitting that he was actually angry at the world. _

_And at the new guy._

_Eddie wanted to laugh as he saw himself and Buck from the side, as he saw them bickering and snarling at each other before finally bonding and just… clicking together. First on the job and then later… in life too._

_He saw the worried way Buck watched him that time at the truck when the earthquake struck and Eddie couldn’t reach Chris’ school._

_“Everything ok?”, Buck asked, truly concerned._

_“Yeah. Network’s down. Messages don’t go through”, Eddie hissed through clenched teeth._

_“Who are you trying to reach?”, Buck frowned._

_Eddie hesitated for only a second._

_“…my son.”_

_“You have a kid?!”, Buck’s eyes were wide._

_“Christopher. He’s seven”, he showed Buck the photo._

_“He’s adorable! I uh… I love kids”, Buck grinned._

_“I love him so much. He’s all I have. His mother’s not with us”, Eddie muttered._

_Buck’s face twisted in as many emotions as the few seconds he took to respond._

_“I’m sure he’s okay.”_

_Eddie saw his own memory, this time from Buck’s perspective, of them climbing the fallen hotel, making their way up through the debris of the building’s tilted inner world. Buck tried to reassure Eddie, once again, claiming that after Northridge the government had focused more money in making the schools the safest places possible. Eddie tried to pull up some joke but in reality Buck’s words did reassure him somewhat, just when he most needed it._

_Hours later it was Buck who drove him to the school, waiting behind as Eddie was reunited with Chris. He’d been too preoccupied with his son at the time but now he could see Buck’s soft smile as he watched them from the Jeep._

_The memory shifted to what looked like the station’s living quarters just before their shift started. Bobby, Hen and Chim were bickering, wondering about possible other job opportunities. Eddie wanted to laugh at Chim’s certainty that he’d be a Top Gun pilot. He couldn’t imagine Hen as a cartoonist either and only Bobby’s idea of being a TV chef made any sense._

_“Yo, Buck! What would you rather be if not firefighter?”, Chim asked._

_“What?”, Buck frowned. He looked quickly at Bobby, who shook his head with a smile, reassuring him that he wasn’t fired._

_“Does golden retriever count as a job?”, Hen wondered, her and Chim laughing out._

_Buck still looked like he couldn’t even imagine being anything else but a firefighter._

_The next thing Eddie saw was that other time when they had responded to a call about a girl stuck in a tailpipe. Eddie had forgotten it. Or how the girls swooned around them all. Eddie had always been uncomfortable with such blatant advances. Something Buck immediately caught on._

_“You stopped dating just because of your son?”, he asked incredulously._

_“Yeah”, Eddie shrugged. “Besides, they’re not my type.”_

_“Yeah, mine neither. At least not anymore”, Buck said, making Eddie chuckle. Yeah, he’d heard about Buck’s reputation already. The blonde didn’t give up that easily though. “But I’m talking in general.”_

_Eddie sighed._

_“It’s complicated when you have a kid.”_

_“Now that’s a stupid excuse!”, Buck exclaimed._

_“You still live with your imaginary girlfriend and you say my excuses are stupid?”, Eddie shot back._

_That finally managed to shut Buck up._

_He saw himself, soon after that, fidgeting under Bobby’s gaze as Chris sat behind him on the couch at the station’s living quarters._

_“I’m sorry, Cap, I just didn’t know where else to take him…”_

_“Yes, you knew. Right here. Buck told me, I already spoke with the chief.”_

_Buck just nodded reassuringly, no words needed. The message was clear, the same one they had agreed on after a nerve-wreaking case with a grenade - I got your back._

_What followed was a memory Eddie didn’t remember being present at. Chim and Hen seemed to have a conversation between the two of them while Buck was pouring his heart out to Bobby._

_“…it was fine at the beginning, she was only supposed to be gone for a few months. But she’s not back yet and I don’t know what to do. I just… we barely even talk. We’re always in different time zones. Did you know she spent a week in Morocco?”_

_“No, I didn’t”, Bobby managed._

_“Me neither! I found out on Instagram! I still love Abby and I want her to be happy. How long do I have to wait to be happy too?”_

_That last sentence broke Eddie’s heart a bit. Judging by the look on Bobby’s face he was at a loss for words too._

_Eddie watched as another memory rolled on and Buck was fussing around in his kitchen, or more like Abby’s kitchen, while Maddie listened to him._

_“I feel sorry for him. Not Chris, he’s amazing. He’s smart, kind and funny. He just needs a little help. I mean Eddie. He always tries to find the best way to take care of Chris and the kid feels like a burden.”_

_“But Eddie doesn’t see it that way?”, Maddie probed gently._

_“No, never. Not even for a second. He adores the kid, Mads. He’s such a great dad.”_

_“Oh? Does that new boy-love for Eddie means you’re getting over Abby?”_

_Love? Already? All the way back then?_

_“Cute”, Buck muttered. But he didn’t deny._

_It was something Maddie said, something about red tape, that made Buck’s brow furrow in thought and…_

_And the next memory was soon after that and it was something Eddie remembered vividly._

_“You said we were gonna help your sister move. She hasn’t packed anything”, Eddie frowned._

_“That’s Abby’s stuff. I lied. I mean yeah, Maddie’s moving out but she’s got very few things.”_

_“What’s going on here, Buck?”, Eddie asked, already in defense mode._

_“I want you to meet someone”, Buck grinned._

_Eddie rolled his eyes. He sighed._

_“You haven’t set me up with someone, have you?”_

_“Trust me, Eddie, this woman is everything you need.”_

_He watched himself clinging to Carla like a drowning man as she explained how they were going to deal with every little problem along the way. Buck didn’t gloat, didn’t take any credits for having introduced them, just smiled softly and stood by if they needed him._

_And then they **were** actually moving out Maddie and Eddie caught the siblings hissing at each other behind the others’ backs._

_“Oh, he’s so sweet!”, Maddie whispered._

_“Yeah, you should see his kid”, Buck smiled._

_Wait, what?_

_“What?!”, Maddie echoed. “Chimney has a kid?”_

_“Chimney?!”, Buck’s eyes widened._

_Wait, did that mean that in Buck’s head ‘sweet’ automatically equaled Eddie and Chris? Even back then?_

_The following memories were a blur, as if Buck consciously tried to suppress them: the bombing, Buck under the truck, the team fighting to pull him out, the pain – excruciating yet not enough to black out into blissful oblivion; the hospital and everyone reassuring him that he’d walk again only to be met with his stubborn need to know if he’d be able to **work** again; hours, days and weeks of PT only for him to cough out blood and be back at point zero; the now obvious depression that followed and the feeling of detachedness and no direction, no goal, no meaning._

_Eddie saw himself, unceremoniously pulling Buck out of bed and leaving him with Chris, hoping that the boy could help Buck while Buck helped Eddie, babysitting for him while Carla was gone and Eddie had to work. If he’d only knew what would follow, would he have left Chris there? Or would he have just told them to stay home that day…_

_When the tsunami struck the memory was blurred again but the feeling of desperation, and then hopelessness and dread when Chris was lost, wasn’t._

_Eddie remembered the way Buck had collapsed when he’d seen Chris safe and sound, completely unaware that he had been bleeding while he was searching for the boy. It was becoming a pattern, something Eddie belatedly realized – Buck always put the others before himself._

_Eddie saw the fallout with Bobby at the dinner Athena had meant as a reconcilement, the lawsuit that followed that had kept Buck away from Eddie and Chris for the first time in… forever. He remembered how angry and hurt he had been but he understood it a little better now: the look on Buck’s face that time when they’d discussed possible other jobs said it all – there **was no other** possible job for him, not the way he saw things. _

_He saw himself in that store yelling at Buck, that damned “you’re exhausting” that still haunted both of them. He told the blonde how everyone had problems yet somehow they all managed to get a grip and deal with it._

_“Why can’t **you**?!”_

_He wished he could take it back, that and the cold shoulder he gave Buck once the blonde was back on duty. Hen reached out. Chimney reached out. Even Bobby accepted him back quicker and Eddie was Buck’s best friend, how could he behave like that?! He blamed Buck that he only saw his side of things while Eddie…_

_Eddie was the same. He’d been too angry and hurt by Buck’s distance, only later understanding the deeper meaning of that. He’d thought he’d missed a best friend while in reality he’d missed… his other half. His soulmate. It sounded so corny and meaningless when he said it like that. Yet he knew, with complete certainty that’s exactly what Buck was to him._

_He knew it when he saw Buck playing with Chris and Denny, Chris asking him if he could spend Christmas with Buck and Buck looking at Eddie helplessly. He knew it when Buck organized a whole Christmas party for all of the 118 th, even while dealing with his and Maddie’s worries. He knew it when he saw the natural way they sat at the table, Chris safely between the two of them. He knew it when they discussed the boy’s wellbeing together, Buck trying to comfort Eddie with an inspirational story he’s read while he himself had been feeling down. He knew it when Buck helped him once more to make Chris’ dream come true and ride a skateboard. He knew it when he saw Buck digging into the dirt with his bare hands when Eddie had been buried alive, the blonde completely hysterical as Bobby pulled him back and tried to restrain him. He knew it when Buck worried about Chris going to a camp, claiming that he was still too young, his full-on mother hen mode not placating Eddie in the slightest, yet being completely normal for a … second parent._

_Eddie’s heart clenched when he saw Buck and Maddie talking after Red had died, the way Buck was so devastated and humbled, asking himself if he’d only helped the older man only for Buck’s own sake, because he was self-centered like that. And Eddie hated himself a little, knowing that he’d teased him like that too. But everyone who knew Buck, who really, actually knew him knew that Buck was anything but self-centered._

Eddie woke up with a start, sitting up in his bed and breathing heavily. His face was wet and chest hurt. He was trembling and feeling lost.

He looked around the bedroom, _their_ bedroom. Buck’s love novels were all mixed with his own books. His laptop was probably full of more, fanfiction and original works. Eddie had teased him about it, never even realizing how badly, how desperately Buck wanted that: love; being wanted… being enough.

His heart racing, breath hitching in his chest Eddie grabbed his keys and ran.

* * *

Buck was in the loft’s kitchen when Eddie burst in, his back turned to the newcomer. His shoulders were slumped and he took a second too long to turn, a moment too long to look at Eddie with too much hesitance.

“Well? What’s the verdict?”, he asked quietly. “Are you here to dump me gently or…”

Eddie didn’t wait anymore, grabbing the blonde and holding him with all of the desperation from last night’s dream. Buck groaned softly from the force of Eddie’s hold and they heard a seam from the blonde shirt breaking but they didn’t care. Buck’s arms slowly lifted to return the hug.

“Never”, Eddie promised, “Never, ever leaving you. Dios mio, I never knew… I didn’t know half of it, I just…”

Buck’s hold tightened back as he hid his face in Eddie’s neck.

They stood like that for a while.

* * *

It was hours later, when they had curled on the couch that Eddie spoke up, quietly as if he feared he might break something sacred.

“I’m glad you suggested that. There was so much I didn’t know… And it wasn’t just memories either but… feelings. Some of them were like a punch to the gut.”

“I’m s-…”

“Never apologize for that”, Eddie hushed. “I’m… so glad I got to know you like that. It was an emotional rollercoaster but it was worth it. So worth it.”

“What did you find hardest to see?”, Buck wondered.

“Red, maybe. The well… I mean, the others told me you kind of lost it then but to see it…”

Buck curled closer, not commenting.

“You?”, Eddie asked either way, still not sure he wanted to know the answer.

“Afghanistan. And… when Shannon left. You were so lost…And then…”

Eddie knew what he meant: the second time she was gone, this time forever. Eddie remembered the empty beach, the sobs wrecking his body…

He cleared his throat, changing the subject, if only a little.

“I wanted to ask you… you were a teen, back at your parent’s place. You looked so happy but then… devastated. There was a teddy bear…”

Buck’s face fell. He frowned, looking away. It was obvious the memory was still painful, even after all these years.

“I’d just found out my mother was expecting another kid”, he said, voice quiet and sad. Eddie’s brows shot up in surprise – if Buck was a teen and Maddie already living on her own with her boyfriend… “Yeah, it was kind of late for that”, Buck agreed. “She was almost 50 already. It was kind of dangerous, for both of them. I don’t even know if everything was okay with the baby, if it was gonna make it if… she’d given it a chance. Maybe there were medical reasons for…or maybe she just decided that way, I mean I know every woman has a right to… anyway; yeah, she got rid of it.”

“You… looked so…”, Eddie didn’t really know how to go on.

Buck snorted. But it was a bitter sound. “Yeah, I don’t know what I was thinking. That I’ll get to be an older brother and get to spoil the little bug? I’ll get to teach them to ride a bike and climb that tree in the backyard and build sand castles and…”, Buck sniffed. _Love them and be loved by them unconditionally._ He didn’t even have to say that, it was plain in his eyes. “It was stupid.”

Eddie shook his head vehemently. “It wasn’t stupid, Buck. It was anything but.”

The blonde still looked shaken so Eddie switched gears again, wrecking his brain for a less sensitive question.

“And Taylor Kelly?”, Eddie began.

Buck nodded, more to himself. “Red hair”, he muttered with a bitter smile.

“Abby”, Eddie concluded.

“I know that now. Looking back, I realize I may have… projected. It didn’t even cross my mind back then”, Buck admitted.

“Look, Buck, if you’re still not over her…”, Eddie began; only to stop abruptly at Buck’s snort. The blonde was grinning, finally.

“I don’t know if you’ve noticed, _Edmundo_ , but _you_ aren’t a redhead”, he winked. “I’m not gonna drill you about Ms. Flores…”

“Please and thank you”, Eddie gritted.

“But when did you really knew it was… me?”, Buck wondered.

And when Eddie actually stopped to think about it, he couldn’t point out an exact moment. Was it when Buck had searched for Chris after the tsunami, never giving up? Was it when he missed Buck painfully during the lawsuit? Was it at the Christmas party or every little tidbit in between all those?

He shrugged.

“I just knew.”

And if there was ever any doubt last night had made sure there wasn’t anymore.

* * *

The big day was getting closer and Buck was a nervous ball of energy. Maddie, now heavily pregnant, tried to help and offer advice but only seemed to frustrate Buck more. Finally, he sneakily asked Chimney to keep Maddie away from the planning pointing out that he was just worried for his future niece. _Or nephew, yes, of course Chim._

_(“Totally a niece, Eds, I read this article about baby bumps and how if it was rounded and lower-set…”)_

Surprisingly, May took over in Maddie’s place, hers and Buck’s taste turning out to be real close. Eddie lifted his hands and left the decoration to the two of them.

A week before the wedding Buck cornered him one night after they had put Chris to sleep and had reclined to their own bed.

“Eddie?”

“Hmm?”, he answered, mind occupied with incoming relatives and hotel rooms.

“I wanted to ask you…. You know my parents aren’t gonna come, right?”

Eddie frowned, looking up from his laptop at where Buck had curled next to him. He opened his mouth but Buck beat him to it.

“It’s okay, really, not like I wanted them to. We’re not really close, as you know. I just… I thought I wanted to ask Bobby and Athena to take their place.” Buck looked up, hopeful and hesitant. “Is it weird?”

“No”, Eddie answered immediately, voice uncharacteristically soft. He smiled. “Not at all. I actually think it’s a great idea.”

* * *

Getting Bobby alone turned out to not be as easy as it seemed. Finally, after days of stalking Buck cornered him after the end of a 24 hour shift, fidgeting nervously as he asked,

“Hey, uh, Bobby? I was wondering if you could help me with something? Um, with the wedding hall.”

Bobby’s eyes shifted to the early morning sun, just rising outside. Then they met Eddie’s eyes over Buck’s shoulder. Eddie had no idea what he saw but Bobby nodded slowly.

“Lead the way, kid.”

* * *

“…and white roses here… and over there. Like, stylish but not overly pompous.”

“That sounded like May”, Bobby smirked.

“I may have quoted her”, Buck hedged. Bobby chuckled.

“There will be the two blocks of chairs, aisle between”, Buck pointed. “First row is for family. Eddie’s family is on that side, mine on the other. Chim and Maddie are gonna sit here. And…”, he hesitated next to the two front chairs. “Those are for the parents.” He waited for a second, as if waiting for Bobby to figure it out for himself. Then, when he didn’t, “I’d like you and Athena to sit here.”

Bobby’s eyes widened.

“Buck. That’s a lot…”

Predictably, the blonde backpedaled.

“I get it if… if it’s too weird or…”

“Buck”, Bobby interrupted gently with a hand on his shoulder, eyes suspiciously shiny when he said, “It would be an honor, son.”

* * *

Two days before the big day and the team had gathered around the table at the station. Only Buck was missing, busy with some last moment detail.

“So, Eddie, who’s going to be your best man?”, Chimney asked.

“Chris”, he smiled.

“Huh? I thought he’d be the ring bearer?”, Hen frowned.

“Yeeaah, Buck tried talking him into that”, Eddie winced, a smile hidden in it. “You should have seen the look Chris gave him and the way he explained to Buck, like _Buck_ was the child, that a 9-year old is too old to be aww-ed and squealed at.” That pulled a laugh out of all of them. “Of course Buck told him that he’d be cooed at no matter what but he agreed that Chris was better off as best man. I think he was somewhat intimidated by that glare, honestly.”

They all laughed again. Hen shook her head.

“They do grow up so fast. Denny slammed the door to my face the other day, can you believe it?”

“Oooh, don’t get me started”, Michael said. “Harry is a step away from becoming a teenager and just as moody and grouchy.”

Suddenly all eyes landed on Bobby. He lifted his hands in surrender. “Don’t look at me, mine’s 28 and he still rolls his eyes at me”, he said and they all laughed again.

* * *

It was the most beautiful day of May, if anyone asked. It was raining buckets outside and some of it must have gotten on Athena Grant’s face because she wasn’t crying of course. Bobby looked proud next to his wife as their adoptive son stood a few steps away and swore his heart and soul to one Edmundo Roberto Augustin Diaz. Maddie, conveniently having the excuse of hormones, sobbed into her handkerchief as Chimney rubbed her shoulders with a fond smile. Right next to them Hen was watching the grooms, remembering her and Karen’s own small wedding all those years ago. As she looked sideways her wife met her gaze, smiling lovingly as she squeezed her hand, her other arm cradling a thankfully sleeping Nia while Denny sat next to them, instructed to be on his best behavior. Carla was the last one on the front seats, obviously pleased to have been recognized as family and taking all kinds of credits for pushing those two together.

On the other side of the aisle the Diaz family was an interesting mix of stoic (Ramon), proud but still brushing off tears (Helena) and openly grinning while crying (Sofia, Adriana, Josephina and Isabel). Christopher, his small chest puffed up in his tiny tux, looked genuinely confused by all the tears. Adults were weird.

The ceremony was wrapped up, the priest pronouncing Eddie and Buck married and after a quick kiss (there were children present) the first official family photo was about to take place.

“Just the direct family!”, the photographer called, eyeing the full hall.

There would be more photos after that and everyone would get their shot with the newlyweds but tradition insisted on the first photo being just the couple and their parents.

Ramon and Helena gathered around Eddie, the brunette too busy explaining to his sisters that they’d get to be on the very next photo. Buck’s eyes searched the crowd and he made a face when he saw the two Nash hovering by their seats, a very obvious and impatient “well?!”. Maddie chuckled and nudged them gently, nodding at her brother.

“I think they are waiting for you.”

“Oh!”, Athena just managed before she was quickly positioned next to Buck along with Bobby, the photo taken quickly as Sophia, Adriana and Maddie joined them for the next one.

* * *

The pale morning light crept into the silent bedroom like a bluish-grey sigh, like a gentle nudge and a soft reminder that the sun was about to rise, any moment now. It was 6 o’clock in the morning and the world was at peace.

There were no blaring alarms, no rush for morning routines and busy schedules. Buck stretched, making the man behind him groan and tighten his hold around Buck’s waist.

“Whatcha doin’?”, Eddie asked sleepily, his voice wonderfully hoarse and raspy. “Stay. Sleep some more. Ain’t no work today.”

Buck smiled. It was the first day of their honeymoon and they had a lot planned for that week, a stolen time off for some new beautiful memories. But for now he could just do that. Stay and sleep some more.

They had their whole life ahead of them for everything else.

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings for mild triggers: 1. Buck is somewhat neglected by his parents, something I think is mostly canon 2. it is mentioned that Buck's mom has ended a pregnancy, whether by choice or necessity it is not clear 3. the shrink Buck sleeps with, even though it's canon is still very wrong


End file.
